Don’t just look back, say something

Back home in Philly there’s a concert every year called “The Powerhouse”. I’ve had the opportunity to attend quit a few.

On October 30, 1995, my son’s father and I attended. I can’t recall all of the performers, as a matter of fact I can’t recall any of the them Hahaha. I do recall seeing one of my older brothers that night.

He was in our neighborhood down Da Bottom, standing in front of the Chinese store. My son’s father went into the store, spoke with my brother for a minute or two.

I stayed in the car because our son was in the car seat in the backseat. Looking back on my son I could see my brother, who we called Block (because he had a block head) Hahaha standing on the Chinese store steps.

At that time I was 17 years old, with a month and a half-year old son, still in High School, no job and on welfare. However, I understood my life changed and wasn’t just responsible for myself. I was ready to take on my new role. This is something I wanted to express to my brother.

My brother embraced the fact that I had a child, but hey he was a big brother. He may have been slightly displeased, but he was still there for me.

When my son’s father returned back to the car, I was still looking at my brother I remember saying, I wanna get out and have a heart to heart with my brother. It was just something I felt I should have done. I really can’t explain it I just remember the feeling.

We ended up driving off and I said to myself, I’ll just rap with him when I see him again.

The next time I saw my brother Block, was on November 1, 1995. He had passed away from a drug overdose.

 

Here’s my point:

DON’T JUST LOOK BACK SAY SOMETHING

Do you have a match?

alittlesparkle

It’s easy for me to  “Spark” up a conversation with anyone, anywhere and at anytime. Working as a Janitor at the Hartsfield Atlanta Airport contributes to utilizing this gift.

Whenever I’m assigned to police the women’s restroom on a work day, normally I would greet women by saying, “Hello, come on in and have a seat” or  “Come on in, we’re open for business.”These two statements has caused women to crack up laughing. Invited others to add to the sentences, which led to “Sparking” up conversations. They’re “Inviting statements”. 

There we were in a “Public Restroom”, which pretty much has a reputation as a place that people are caution of using because they’re normally in bad shape, but in the ATL restrooms we have a girls night out Shawty.

One time a woman left, then came back and  said to me, “Thank you for being you. I was having a bad day and your joyous spirit helped me.” When she approached me, I didn’t recall seeing this woman enter the restroom that day.I gave her a hug because that touched me. It confirmed that, I was doing something right by sharing the joy I have in my heart.

Here’s my point:

You never know what someone maybe dealing with or going through. Also, you never know who is listening and watching.

When you have  “Joy in your heart”, share it with others.It won’t hurt to “Spark” up a conversation.

 

Going along with the flow

A few years ago, life’s circumstances had me in a bad space. I found myself in a position where I would just “deal with” or”just accept “people, places and things. Even if it meant feeling and being treated as if I didn’t deserve to be respected as a person.

During that chapter, I was involved with a man. Once again, I felt I’d met a man who was my knight in shining armor(in reference to a previous post”Ask the right questions”). When we met my electric was disconnected. I was flat broke. Didn’t even have a penny with a hole in it.

Whoever was in my eyesight at the time was going to hear my heart cry out for “HELP”., this man decided to assist me. My focus was on my situations/circumstances.I needed to do whatever needed to be done to bring balance back into my life. However, there was a “hidden agenda” this man had.

Let me begin by saying, he was very Charming. Said, and did all the right things, which caused me to ignore the “Red Flags”. Out of nowhere, he decided to pay my electric bill and flat-out tell me, he wanted to be with me. Out of an act of desperation, I went along with it, no questions asked. Then, his mask came off.

The very same day, my electric was turned back on, him and I had a disagreement. This man took a trip to another planet. It was one I would never want to visit. As I said, it was a disagreement, that was an easy fix, but to him it was a sign of disrespect. He became so enraged not to mention, I was called everything but a child of God.

He went on and on about how he didn’t need me, I needed him. How I needed to respect him as “The Man of the house”. He made this big performance so all my neighbors could see and hear. There it was, the hidden agenda.

Here’s my point, There are people in this world who are, “Predators”. This man had no intentions on, helping me or building a genuine and unconditional relationship with me.

The intent, was to “Break Me”.  I was in a vulnerable state, in which he took advantage of. From his actions and what he would say, it was”Do as I need you to do or else”, be how I need you to be. He pretty much TRIED to shape me to his liking for his own personal gratifications.

I was to serve him.When he said jump, I was to say how high. The thing is he thought he’d had me in the palm of his hand, but he was wrong. Because he was NOT my GOD.

I knew and know who my God is, and the God I serve is Love.

Psalm 118:8 says,

It is better to take refuge in the LORD, than trust in man”.

I put this verse into practice within my life, and got away from that man when God made it possible.

It made sense. Yes, in this life, I will have circumstances, but my circumstances don’t have me.And Respect is mandatory.

 

 

 

Ask the right questions

Back home in Philly, in my early 20’s, can’t remember exactly how but was reintroduced to an old flame. This man was incarcerated at the time.

To go back when we first met, this man was like my knight in shining armor. He came to my defense when my sons father set a car I brought on fire and he wanted to pretty much beat me up, since he saw me with another man. Not to mention, he was in a relationship with another woman and brought her to fight me. That day, as a matter of fact that whole week was crazy. I was only 18 at this time and still in High School.

Getting back to me and this man. We wrote letters, talked on the phone, and I went to visit him in prison, for about a year or so. He seemed to be “The One”. We even share the same birthday.

We made plans to get married and everything. I introduced him to my children. A little while after he was released he moved in with us. This was AFTER his other plan was already in motion.

He convinced me I was the only woman in his life, BUT, from my understanding, this man was seeing another woman. The two were robbing local stores and banks. And to make matters worse, people in the neighborhood thought I was the woman alongside of him.

I had no clue. It wasn’t until I got a phone call, saying he’d been arrested and to turn on the news. There was video footage of a man and woman robbing a bank. I can’t say  it was him in the footage, but from what I last heard he is serving 80 plus years in prison.

The point of sharing this is not to belittle this man. He was a very good dude, had a good heart but sometimes people can become a product of their environment, so people only do what they know.I don’t blame him for anything.

This is to express, how I realized I was looking at love in the wrong way and reasons.

I felt indebted to this man for having my back the first time we met. Went along with pursuing the relationship out of obligation, plus I was lonely.

But I had to go through these things to understand the importance of knowing what I am looking for in a relationship. I needed to ask myself the right questions. Like self, What are your expectations when trying to build a relationship?Can you both be friends after he’s been in jail 8 years already? Can he be institutionalized?(Just to name a few)

After going through a rough time with being humiliated, angry, tired of people asking me about money I didn’t know about or have, God gave me the strength to pick myself back up again and move on.

Proverbs 2:7

” He stores up sound wisdom for the upright: He is a shield to those who walk in integrity”

 

 

Neighbors, can’t live with them or without them

In my post,”Going along with the flow”, I talked about being with a man with hidden agendas. Referring back to the disagreement, he made a big performance that allowed neighbors to see and hear.

At that time I live in an apartment complex. Had two neighbors below and two above me. One of the neighbors below me, was a “Church going woman”. She quoted scripture and spoke very highly of the church she was a member of. How she goes with her church to help feed the hungry etc.

This lady seemed neighborly. On that of the disagreement, the front door was wide open. Was so frustrated behind having a senseless argument, so I found something to do. Walked to the dumpster to take out the trash.

Returning back from the dumpster, I saw the “Church going woman” coming up the steps leading to the parking lot(She didn’t see me though). This lady looked up the steps leading to my apartment and said, “Oh look, her door open let’s stand here and see what happens” and laughing while talking with her friend.

As I’m walking and looking, she’s standing there (arms folded), looking, waiting to hear and see all of the madness. The only things she was missing were a bag of popcorn and recliner.Then, she noticed me. Her whole face expression changed. She became quite as a “Church mouse”.

At that point, my frustration had surpassed the maximum. As I’m walking towards her, all I could think was, Dang this lady finds this as a source of entertainment. How I know she did, I walked right by this lady, and not once did she ask me if I was okay, or do I need her to call the police or anything.Or say I will help you kick his you know what. No form of empathy at all. This lady had a “Deceiving character”.

From her face expression and body language it showed me, she was worried that I would fight her. To be honest, I wanted to show her how Philly women rumble, and that’s Real talk.

But, I just walked by and gave her a look of disappointment.

I have a couple of points here. Let me start with this one.

Proverbs 21:13

Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered.

I’ve come to understand in this life, we will all need a helping hand during any chapter(s) of our lives for many different reasons. To downright ignore or have no form of empathy knowing there may be some way you could assist, is Not pleasing to God. Nor is having a double spirit. Cause you can’t be of the flesh and of the spirit at the same time. Using God to your own advantage(Flesh) to deceive people won’t get you to far. Because there will be a time you may cry out for whatever reason(s) and you will be ignored.(I’m just saying).

Every time I saw that lady after that, I wanted to knock her head off. We as woman can be our worse enemies at times. But you know what helped me get past the emotion and that action.

Mark 12:31

The second commandment is this, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. There is no commandment greater than these.” NIV

I didn’t hate that lady, hated her reaction to my situation, but people only do what they know. I still spoke to that lady, just keep my distance. Yes, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, this lady was a witness to that. Because she decided to use it as a source of entertainment, me going toe to toe with her, or even trash talking her would have been useless, a waste of time and energy.Instead, releasing my frustration, and being neighborly was the best solution. I knew it was because, this lady felt bad each time she saw me afterwards and tried her best to be my best friend.