START with your happiness FIRST

We all want to be happy in life. Whether it’s being a happy homeowner. Happily married with children. Happy with the career of your dreams. We also want other’s around us to be happy. Have you ever noticed within yourself, the things we have said and done for other’s, including placing our needs to the back burner?
Let me share a few examples I realized about myself. Being the bearer of other’s happiness.

The Financial Crutch:

I found myself allowing people to depend on me. I would make myself available as if I were a 24 hour 7 eleven’s ATM. Don’t get me wrong, I believe we all need a helping hand every now and then.

It wasn’t until I literally became flat broke, I discovered a few things.
This is when I learned their were people who felt I let them down. A few choice words from both sides were said because of me not being able to “fix” things.

Solution to NOT being the financial crutch:

I can still assist but there has to be a cut off point. Example after going through my budget, let’s say I incorporate $50.00 a month as the allotted amount for financial assistance.
I made a firm decision not to go over this amount. Ensured I’d make it clear to the person(s) I’m assisting the allotted monthly amount is final.

The Emotional Crutch:

What we all have in common as human beings is, we all struggle with something. Some more than others. There were times I found myself having therapy sessions, free of charge. I made those persons problems my problems that I had to fix it. Wouldn’t rest until I did.

I convinced myself, I’m a tough cookie, who can take on anything. I’d be alright when my own personal crisis came up, I got it under control. This way of thinking, was wrong.
At one point never did get around to my own situations. They just piled up. The pile was so high and overwhelming it caused me to become emotionally unstable. This led to making irrational decisions for myself.

Solution to NOT being the emotional crutch:

I had to deal with my own situations and emotions first. The saying is true, how can you help someone else, if you can’t even help yourself first.

Here’s my point:

Within these two examples of the Financial crutch and the Emotional crutch, we need to be able to balance our own situations first. It doesn’t make you a bad, uncaring, selfish person.

When a helping hand is needed, be sure you’re positioned first.
Truth be told, you can’t give what you don’t have. How fair will that be to yourself?

SHARE YOUR LINK FRIDAY — Betcha didn’t know!

Originally posted on Okoto Enigma: First of all, if you reblog this post you help me, I help you and you help your readers, so everyone wins. Hey everyone; welcome back to my not so new blog subject called “share your link Friday” I did it for the first time last week Friday;?click here to…

via SHARE YOUR LINK FRIDAY — Betcha didn’t know!

Going along with the flow

A few years ago, life’s circumstances had me in a bad space. I found myself in a position where I would just “deal with” or”just accept “people, places and things. Even if it meant feeling and being treated as if I didn’t deserve to be respected as a person.

During that chapter, I was involved with a man. Once again, I felt I’d met a man who was my knight in shining armor(in reference to a previous post”Ask the right questions”). When we met my electric was disconnected. I was flat broke. Didn’t even have a penny with a hole in it.

Whoever was in my eyesight at the time was going to hear my heart cry out for “HELP”., this man decided to assist me. My focus was on my situations/circumstances.I needed to do whatever needed to be done to bring balance back into my life. However, there was a “hidden agenda” this man had.

Let me begin by saying, he was very Charming. Said, and did all the right things, which caused me to ignore the “Red Flags”. Out of nowhere, he decided to pay my electric bill and flat-out tell me, he wanted to be with me. Out of an act of desperation, I went along with it, no questions asked. Then, his mask came off.

The very same day, my electric was turned back on, him and I had a disagreement. This man took a trip to another planet. It was one I would never want to visit. As I said, it was a disagreement, that was an easy fix, but to him it was a sign of disrespect. He became so enraged not to mention, I was called everything but a child of God.

He went on and on about how he didn’t need me, I needed him. How I needed to respect him as “The Man of the house”. He made this big performance so all my neighbors could see and hear. There it was, the hidden agenda.

Here’s my point, There are people in this world who are, “Predators”. This man had no intentions on, helping me or building a genuine and unconditional relationship with me.

The intent, was to “Break Me”.  I was in a vulnerable state, in which he took advantage of. From his actions and what he would say, it was”Do as I need you to do or else”, be how I need you to be. He pretty much TRIED to shape me to his liking for his own personal gratifications.

I was to serve him.When he said jump, I was to say how high. The thing is he thought he’d had me in the palm of his hand, but he was wrong. Because he was NOT my GOD.

I knew and know who my God is, and the God I serve is Love.

Psalm 118:8 says,

It is better to take refuge in the LORD, than trust in man”.

I put this verse into practice within my life, and got away from that man when God made it possible.

It made sense. Yes, in this life, I will have circumstances, but my circumstances don’t have me.And Respect is mandatory.

 

 

 

Did you call your mom yet?

When trying to form a romantic relationship, there’s a lot to factor in from both parties. Where you grew up, the era, values. Who raised you, could have been just mom and or grandmom just to name a few.

A key element no matter who you were raised by, emotional support is needed. While in early development stage, if emotional balance is taught and practiced, it’s something that can be utilized once reaching adulthood.

Don’t get me wrong, LIFE can take you here and there for so many different reasons, but there is a way to tap into emotional stability, especially if it had been insulted already.At times it’s not easy, but it is doable if you try.

Emotional connections are essential to building all kinds of relationships. For example a mother and son relationship. Naturally mothers have a connection with their children. However, some times emotional connection isn’t there, for so many different circumstances and situations.

In my posts, “Going along with the flow” and “Neighbors can’t live with them or without them“, I spoke of a man once involved with. In “Going along with the flow“, I mention how I ignored the “Red Flags”. Would like to elaborate on these “Red Flags”.

There’s a saying that makes a lot of sense to me. Was said to me many of times throughout my life, Pay attention to how a man treats his mother. Going back in my mind, pertaining to the time involved with this man, it was evident, he had Mommy issues.

Was told by this man, at an early age he was raised by his grandmom. His mom wasn’t around. Mom was pretty much in her own world. Dad had gone to jail, didn’t want to stay with his step mom because she was mean to him.

It seems at an early age he painted a picture of women and it wasn’t a good one. After being around him for a while, I’d asked him why he doesn’t talk to his mom”. First time, received a convincing sad story that led me to try to help him work through his Emotional Abandonment from his mom.That was the wrong move.

He would get defensive every time after that. I was flat-out told, you don’t know what she did, or what’s going on. I  could see the anger, the edge in his body language.Words and tone of voice, he had some major beef with his mom. From all of this, it meant mind your business.

So, I stopped asking about mom dukes, asked about ex girlfriend’s. For some reason I wasn’t surprised, he had nothing good to say about them either.

Then it all made sense to me I wasn’t any different, he had a huge dislike for ALL women.This man wasn’t a wounded lion-cub, that I could nurse him back from his wounds. It also made me question the reasons, he chose to be in a relationship with me.

He wanted to play my “Hero”. Superman is what I used to call him. As I mention in my posts,”Going along with the flow‘ and “Neighbors can’t live with them or without them“, my life was pretty much all over the place when we met. Was stuck. But once, I started getting my groove back, his masked emotions emerged.

He didn’t like me being able to stand on my own to feet. His PLAN for ME, was to depend on him for everything. Whenever there was a change in his plan because I wanted to better myself, the rage came out. We would pick senseless arguments. His rage took him all the way to another planet.He would come back to planet Earth as if he had no clue he just act a fool for no reason. I think saying something disparaging to me and about me was his favorite.

He needed someone who made him feel, strong, competent,masculine, most of all “NOT A NUT CASE”. I tried all of this, but it had to be crafted the way he wanted it to be. Meaning he had to have control. He was looking for a puppet. But I was the wrong one for the position.

I came to an understanding his emotions were stunned behind him having or the lack of having a relationship with the most prominent woman of his life, His mother.

In all seriousness, he needed therapy. His issues were way above my pay grade, they needed to be brought to the surface and handled. He was trying to hide what was illing him on the inside, but demonstrating a character of charm, heroism, and a deep concern to help someone in need. That was all a LIE.

He was indeed a “Predator”. He needed a woman who was down on her luck.Easy to fool because of her circumstances.

The thing about this dude, he didn’t want to change. He was well aware of what he was saying and doing. He knew he was emotionally detached from the world. Had a temper like one I haven’t  had to deal with up close and personally.Yet he remained the same. Once he realized the “Jig was up” and I was on to him. He had no choice but to let me be and leave me alone forever and a day.

Here’s my point:

DO NOT IGNORE THE “RED FLAGS”

The lady in the wheelchair

A few months ago, I was  really frustrated with my job. I felt over worked and under paid. It was hard making needs meet. Living paycheck to paycheck was getting on my last nerve .

My electric bill was due(and a few other things). So, I’m sitting there trying to figure out how to pay everybody and not get cut off or have to pay a late fee.

It came down to being short $100.00 for my Electric bill. Talk about being stressed. Had my electricity been cut off(which everything in my apartment is Total Electric), I would not have been able to function. Not to mention, the whole bill plus a reconnection fee would need to be paid to have electric service turned back on.

Went to work the day after figuring out my financial rut. Was assigned to police one of the women’s restrooms.

Went along with my normal greetings, “Hi, come on in and have a sit”, Or “Come on in we’re open for business”.  In comes a lady being pushed in a wheelchair. All I said to her was come on in young lady(With a smile).Didn’t add have a sit because she was already sitting.

After she did all she needed to do, I was directing traffic. As the lady in the wheelchair was getting ready to leave she placed something in my hand.

I said thank you and placed it in my pocket. After the traffic died down, went ahead and cleaned the stalls, wiped the counters down, then put my hand in my pocket to see what it was.

It was a tip, of a $100 dollar bill.

Here’s my point

Philippians 4: 5-6 says,

5Let your gentleness be obvious to everyone. The Lord is near. 6Be anxious for nothing, but ineverything, by prayer and petition, withthanksgiving, present your requests to God

Going over these two verses had me saying to myself, Self had you not been your bubbly self it may not have been placed on the lady in the wheelchair spirit to give the gift, that just so happen to be the exact amount need to pay  my electric bill in full.

Once we pray, let it go because God already worked it out. Why pray and worry?

I didn’t know and still don’t know who the lady in the wheelchair was.We didn’t have a conversation. But I know who her Father is.

I think about that lady all the time, would really like to give her a big hug and tell her thank you for  being a helper.

 

Neighbors, can’t live with them or without them

In my post,”Going along with the flow”, I talked about being with a man with hidden agendas. Referring back to the disagreement, he made a big performance that allowed neighbors to see and hear.

At that time I live in an apartment complex. Had two neighbors below and two above me. One of the neighbors below me, was a “Church going woman”. She quoted scripture and spoke very highly of the church she was a member of. How she goes with her church to help feed the hungry etc.

This lady seemed neighborly. On that of the disagreement, the front door was wide open. Was so frustrated behind having a senseless argument, so I found something to do. Walked to the dumpster to take out the trash.

Returning back from the dumpster, I saw the “Church going woman” coming up the steps leading to the parking lot(She didn’t see me though). This lady looked up the steps leading to my apartment and said, “Oh look, her door open let’s stand here and see what happens” and laughing while talking with her friend.

As I’m walking and looking, she’s standing there (arms folded), looking, waiting to hear and see all of the madness. The only things she was missing were a bag of popcorn and recliner.Then, she noticed me. Her whole face expression changed. She became quite as a “Church mouse”.

At that point, my frustration had surpassed the maximum. As I’m walking towards her, all I could think was, Dang this lady finds this as a source of entertainment. How I know she did, I walked right by this lady, and not once did she ask me if I was okay, or do I need her to call the police or anything.Or say I will help you kick his you know what. No form of empathy at all. This lady had a “Deceiving character”.

From her face expression and body language it showed me, she was worried that I would fight her. To be honest, I wanted to show her how Philly women rumble, and that’s Real talk.

But, I just walked by and gave her a look of disappointment.

I have a couple of points here. Let me start with this one.

Proverbs 21:13

Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered.

I’ve come to understand in this life, we will all need a helping hand during any chapter(s) of our lives for many different reasons. To downright ignore or have no form of empathy knowing there may be some way you could assist, is Not pleasing to God. Nor is having a double spirit. Cause you can’t be of the flesh and of the spirit at the same time. Using God to your own advantage(Flesh) to deceive people won’t get you to far. Because there will be a time you may cry out for whatever reason(s) and you will be ignored.(I’m just saying).

Every time I saw that lady after that, I wanted to knock her head off. We as woman can be our worse enemies at times. But you know what helped me get past the emotion and that action.

Mark 12:31

The second commandment is this, “Love your neighbor as yourself”. There is no commandment greater than these.” NIV

I didn’t hate that lady, hated her reaction to my situation, but people only do what they know. I still spoke to that lady, just keep my distance. Yes, I was in a verbally abusive relationship, this lady was a witness to that. Because she decided to use it as a source of entertainment, me going toe to toe with her, or even trash talking her would have been useless, a waste of time and energy.Instead, releasing my frustration, and being neighborly was the best solution. I knew it was because, this lady felt bad each time she saw me afterwards and tried her best to be my best friend.